i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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