Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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