So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
