we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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