all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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