cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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