I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
