Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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