The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
