I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
