I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
