I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
