dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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