I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
