Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
time to smoke my breakfast
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
