i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
