i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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