just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
