I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
