Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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