I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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