i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
