He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
