I accidentally burped into my bong.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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