perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I will pee on everything he values.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
