just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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