Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
