I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
