he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
