OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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