The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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