I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
