I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
