My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
