New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
