Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
