I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
