I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
