so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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