That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
