I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
