I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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