HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
