I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
