Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
