Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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