If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
