He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
