Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
