why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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